The Definitive Ranking of Hats

A good hat can complete a look, keep the pesky sun out of your face or even just hide those ears you're self-conscious about. I've compiled a list of the different types of hats out there, so you can make an informed decision about which to wear out of the house.


1.  Baseball cap (forward, fitted) - 



I'm not talking about the comically over-sized cap that Smalls wears in The Sandlot. I just mean a nice, fitted baseball cap. You can even get the flam brim if you want, though I prefer the classic look. I have nothing against flat-brimmed caps, I'm just not white enough to think I'm hood enough to pull it off.















2.  Baseball cap (forward, adjustable strap) -



This hat thinks it's fancy because it has some metal on it. It's cleaner than the a snap-back, but not the fresh look you get with a fitted hat. It's your dad's hat.


3.  Baseball cap (forward, snap-back) -



Remember those snap-back style baseball caps you used to wear for Little League? The same ones that you can buy outside a ballgame? Great for hats you don't really want or need. Maybe you went to a Nats game even though you could give a rat's ass about the Nats. Maybe Nats hats were $10 and you said, yeah fuck it, I'll buy one. That's the ideal role of an snap-back baseball cap.


4.  Baseball cap (backward, any) -



A backwards cap just makes you look younger. See the photo above? That kid is 27. No joke. While an unfitted, backwards cap gives any flow you may have some space to breathe, its not really a look you can sport as an actual adult. Leave the backwards caps (and the flow for that matter) to the kids, and old men trying to reclaim their childhood.




5.  Grandpa's fishing hat



Speaking of old men...Classic old man look.



Classic old man look.


6.  Fedora

This is what Brad Pitt looks like in a fedora:



This is what you look like in a fedora:

 
 
Steer clear of fedoras, even if you feel like you're alternative enough to rock it.


7.  Cowboy hat

Again, this is what a celebrity looks like in a cowboy hat:



And this is you:



Steer clear of cowboys hats, even if you feel like you're rugged enough to rock it.


8.  Beanie




Good for cold weather. Great for just hanging around the house. Bad for meeting your new girlfriend's father.


9.  Visor



The go-to for tennis-playing, tote bag-toting, minivan-driving suburban soccer moms.

Also common amongst fishermen. Sportier than a bucket hat, it can still provide solid protection from the sun while you're out on the water. Not recommended for bald men.