Monday, March 9, 2015

The Definitive Ranking of Football Jerseys

1.  The Throwback

Mens Minnesota Vikings Cris Carter Mitchell & Ness Purple Retired Player Vintage Replica Jersey 

Always a safe pick. Your sweet purple and gold Cris Carter jersey will never go out of style.


Although, maybe it isn't always a safe pick...

Mens New York Giants Lawrence Taylor Nike Royal Blue Retired Player Game Jersey


2.  The Pro Bowler

Image result for Joe Thomas browns jersey 

 When in doubt, go with the perennial Pro Bowler. Not applicable to Jags fans.


3.  The Fan Favorite

Image result for wes welker miami jersey

This is your special teams ace. You can show your devotion to the team by your knowledge of the fringes of the roster. Unfortunately, this is a high risk jersey. Hell, he might not even make the cut next year. And when a division rival comes knocking with promises of playing an actual football position, don't think he'll hang around. He didn't grow up with dreams of becoming a Punt Block Specialist.


4.  The Pending Free Agent

Image result for revis jets jersey 

This player has served your team admirably over the past four years. He's a elite player. Yeah, he's been holding out for more money. And yeah, he thinks he should be the highest paid player at his position. But there's this thing that money can't buy and it's called loya...oh what's that? He's signed with the Bucs? For $16 million a year?

As I've learned, wait until the ink dries before picking up this jersey. Or it'll be yet another expensive addition to the scrap heap.


5.  The Rookie

Image result for johnny manziel jersey browns

Who cares that he has yet to take an NFL snap? So what if his skill set doesn't traditionally translate to the professional game? Let's drop $100+ on a jersey of a guy who'll likely be out of the league in 2-3 years anyway!


6.  The Third Jersey

Image result for nfl alternate jersey

A.K.A. the NFL-licensed jersey designed to pry every last penny from your cold, lifeless fingers.

Wiz: Some of these are alright, the Ravens alternate (black) is a staple. Some on the other hand are flat out miserable.

Milli: For real, I love the Bucs creamsicle orange.

Image result for bucs third jersey


7.  The Custom Jersey

A custom jersey always seems like a good idea. Even though you never see anyone pulling it off, I'm sure you can.

Image result for dumb custom jerseys poonster

WRONG! I'm sure that Poonster, Shocker and Teabag thought they were pulling it off.

Image result for dumb custom jerseys fingerbang

I'm sure that Fingerbang thinks he's pulling it off.

Image result for dumb custom jerseys fan

And I'm positive that Fan here thinks she's being super meta and clever. Don't go with the custom jersey. You'll end looking like these fools.


8.  The That's-the-Wrong-Team Jersey


You know that guy who wears a Lebron jersey to a Saints-Falcons game? Fuck that guy.

Wiz: I sneakily love this play in the right scenario. Going to a Nationals game in a Wizards jersey is a great play if the Wizards have a playoff game that day. 


9.  The Tebow

Image result for tim tebow sportscaster

What do you mean Tim Tebow isn't our starting quarterback anymore? Don't you know he won the HEISMAN, and he's a good Christian boy at that. You'll see religious zealots and college football fanatics alike throw on their best Tebow threads to support their favorite sportscaster.

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