Millionaire Matchmaker with...Lil' Romeo!

So, I stumbled across an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker where the millionaire was freaking Lil' Romeo. That's right. Lil' Romeo of My Baby fame.

Yes, he's still a player. Or so he says. But now he needs a girlfriend. He's just looking out for his future family.


Romeo looking like Bruno Mars in his little hat (one of three he sports throughout the episode):

Also, no way he's 5'11," like he was listed at USC. Which reminds me. He was on scholarship at USC. That's the last I'd heard about Lil' Romeo. He left USC after his sophomore year (with 19 minutes of playtime under his belt).

Pretty impressive, except for the fact that he was only there because he's best friends with DeMar DeRozan.


He has a butler (Shaun) who raised him from birth. He's hilarious.

Seriously, Shaun's fashion is on point.

Unfortunately, Shaun is the best part of Romeo's entourage. Romeo's friends are some scrubs. There's the classic club promoter type on the left, who thinks he's hot shit just because girls talk to him to get into clubs. I don't know what's up with midget in purple wearing sunglasses indoors. Seriously, his arms are so short and stubby. Guy #3 looks...like a pretty normal guy actually. Rounding out the group is some Tim Howard looking fuck in jean shorts.

Hot seat mixer! I've been informed by an authority on Millionaire Matchmaker that this isn't a standard method that Patti uses. Basically, Romeo has 10 girls lined up but can only keep two at a time. If he wants to keep a third girl, he has to get rid of one of the two he has already chosen. Let's get a look at these ladies:


Rachel:

Like a better looking Lea Michelle. Kinda like if you mixed her with Julia Roberts, and upped her a cup size. Romeo likey. She takes the first hot seat. She's not in danger. Yet.


Taliah:

She looks like the black version of a plain looking white girl. She stays, because Romeo doesn't really have standards at this point.


Gigi:

Wow. That hair. She's Ethiopian. She says it like five times in the five minutes she's in this episode. She even chooses it as the one interesting fact that will make Romeo fall in love with her (something must be lost in translation). Shaun likes her and votes Taliah off. Shaun! This is Romeo's show, stop stealing it!


Venessa:

Not a name. Not a name, not a name, not a name. Shaun is unable to be distracted by Venessa's (ugh) assets, and votes her to replace Gigi.


Kelly:

Kelly doesn't really get much airtime here, but there are two key takeways from her time, 1) she brought her wine up to show that she likes to have a good time AND she's classy, and 2) she looks trashy so obviously Shaun puts her through, replacing Venessa (ugh).



Mika:

Mika is half-Japanese, half-white. She's a Nike brand ambassador. Patti seems really impressed by this for some reason. I'm pretty sure that "Nike brand ambassador" just means that's she's pretty and sells Nike gear.

Kelly knows she's in trouble though. Look at that shade she's throwing.

Kelly says her goodbyes and Mika ascends to the throne.


Leah:

Leah looks like a contender. She came to play, letting cleavage and job as a dance instructor do the talking. Romeo can't take his eyes off her. She replaces Rachel, who she's essentially a prettier version of.

So that's it, the final two are set.




Date 1 (Leah):


So, Romeo decides his best option is to take Leah on a body painting date. Classic first date move. This decision is two-fold, 1) Romeo gets to show off his six-pack (as he puts it, "I get 15,000 likes on Instagram with a shirt on and 50,000 like with it off"), and 2) he gets to see Leah half-naked:

So, the body painting is going great...wait?

WTF, Romeo? This isn't a second grade art project. This is not what I envisioned when I heard body paint.

So, Romeo also has an issue with kissing on the first date. So maybe he is an eight year old boy. It all just doesn't vibe with Romeo's proclamations that he's totally a player. Okay Romeo. A player would not react like this to a first kiss:

"It was like three passionate pecks" - Romeo Miller

Like a schoolboy. It's too bad his childhood was robbed from him being a superstar.


The Rest of the Show:

Okay, the rest of the show is kind of a snoozer, so I'll give you the cliffnotes.

- Romeo and Mika go on a nice dinner date and kiss on the cheek at the end.
- Romeo invites Taliah back, and Patti makes them make out in front of her staff. It's as awkward as it sounds.
- Romeo says this at one point, "I don't think I'm a narcissist," while wearing a shirt with his name on it.