Part 2 of our
Bachelorette preview. You can find Part 1 here (the cast list and photos can be found here, so you can follow along). We finished with JJ last time,
so let’s move on to…
Joe
Milli: Straight up caveman looking mofo. Also, can’t see where he will be in five years because he lives in the present. I can’t imagine either girl appreciating that.
Wiz: What is that smile,
fantastic! Also one of the driest bios out there - giving money to his sister,
misses grandmother, “two life long partners”, going home on night one.
Jonathan
Wiz: Back to back
vertical hair styles. Is this the new look? “Attend to a woman’s needs, and not
just in the bedroom”. Thanks for the clarification, Jon.
Milli - Question: Do you
think either of the Bachelorettes has jungle fever? Also, props to the casting
department for picking black guys who can actually make it more than a week or
two (I count 2 or 3). Sometimes they just choose some beat black guy, and
he’s gone immediately.
Wiz - Answer: No, I
don’t think so. I agree though Jonathan seems like someone who could
stick around for a few weeks, although I don’t know if being an Automotive
Spokesmen in Detroit is going to make the cut long term.
Josh
Wiz - How does Magic
Mike not make the cut as this guy’s favorite movie? What does being
married mean to you? “Having to give up my profession”.
Milli - Classic example
of a stripper doing it to raise money to go to law school
Wiz - Serious question,
how is law student his profession if graduating from law school is his number
one accomplishment?
Milli - Oh. He’s using
his law degree to be a stripper. Can someone please tell Josh he’s got it
backwards?
Joshua
Milli - ABC is just
trying to confuse us. Two Bens, the Corey/Cory nightmare, and now Josh/Joshua.
Also, I think a fun game to play would be guess the guy’s age from the list of
his favorite movies. Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy and The
Hangover. How old is Joshua?
Will - I’m convinced ABC
is just trying to fuck with us at this point, too absurd. I’m convinced the
girls will send one of them home just to prevent confusion. His superhero is
kinda creepy, “the invisible man, so I can creep into a room full of women”.
Justin
Milli - Also a physical trainer, whose life goal is to be...a physical trainer.
Kupah
Milli - Good old Kupah
Troopa. Want to know if you’re a racist? Did you just read that and think,
“only a black person would be impressed by raising law-abiding citizens”. The answer is yes,
you’re a racist.
Wiz - Guy seems like a
pretty good dude all in all but I think he’s going to be cut the first night.
Milli - You could say he's a "class act"...
Ryan B
Milli: Seems
impractical.
Wiz: Pretty outrageous
thing. Although tweeting a dick pic is also outrageous.
Wiz: His hair really
bothers me for some reason too. I think he’s going to be an early fav that
quickly fades due to a dull personality.
Ryan M
Wiz: Not this name crap
again… We should apply, we have such common names.
Milli: Solid choice on
superhero. Wolverine is a bad ass.
Wiz: I like this guy all in all, seems to have a good vibe going on, plus he’s tall. Just needs to avoid telling Kaitlyn that he’s a “Junkyard Specialist”.
Milli: You’re showing
some truly odd sort of tall guy solidarity here. Just because you’re a
giant doesn’t mean you have to have a complex about it, Wiz.
Shawn B
Milli: I think the
producers are fucking with us. Yet another name with a last initial. Another
personal trainer. Includes One Directions on his list of favorite bands, in a
joking but not really joking way.
Wiz: The only way they
could fuck with us more is if they had three guys with the same name. From
Windsor Locks - sounds like a rich town, is it?
Milli: As our resident
Connecticut expert, I’ve never heard of it. So, no.
Shawn E
Wiz: Totally out on this
guy.
Milli: Shawn B. and
Shawn E. sounds exactly the same. And another freaking Superman fan. So excited
for this season…
Wiz: They should
immediately cut anyone who lists Superman as their favorite superhero -
speaking of which, what is your favorite superhero Milli?
Milli: I don’t know, I’m
not really a comic book guy. I guess Robert Downey, Jr.’s Iron Man. I
appreciate his sarcasm.
Tanner
Milli: Tanner wouldn’t
like me. Getting sloppy drunk on a date is apparently a deal breaker.
Wiz: Remember that one
banquet where you…. and I….. yeah….. don’t think he’d like me either. He’s a
good looking, pretty normal dude though - has a chance to do well.
Milli: Way to make that
sound way worse than it was...
Tony
Milli: I reluctantly
have to pull the Least Real Occupation award from JJ (Former Investment Banker
a.k.a. Snowboard Instructor) and despite a late bid by Josh (Law Student/Exotic
Dancer; he’s got to pay his way through school), give it to Tony (Healer).
Wiz: You missed Sean E -
Amateur Sex Coach. Was not pegging this guy as a Tony Stark fan, was picturing
him as a Wonder Woman type fan. Once again what’s up with this guy’s hair.
Milli: How’d I miss
that? Sean E. totally looks like someone who would be an Amateur Sex Coach.
Also, note to Tony: Tony Stark isn’t “humble”. Will “humble” be this season’s
“genuine”?
Bonus (Chris Harrison)
Milli - Certifiable
stud. His big break was as host of HGTV’s Designer Challenge (who
doesn’t love that show!). Most of the Bachelorettes throughout time would
prefer Chris H. to the filth they have to wade through to find a husband,
but unfortunately somebody put a ring on it.
Wiz - Love that
C-Money’s picture is the biggest out of all the guys and his write up is by far
the longest. He looks about 10 years younger in this photo than he does in real
life. Favorite part of the bio was that he had a role in Sabrina the
Teenage Witch.
Recap
Frontrunners:
Wiz - These guys suck.
Tanner, I guess?
Milli- Chris Harrison.
There’s a better chance of him throwing his hat in the ring than any of these
guys winning.
Sleepers:
Wiz - Shawn B.
Milli - Shawn B.
Gone on the First Day:
Wiz - Joe, Justin, Kupah
Milli - Joe, Josh, Shawn
E.
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