Bachlorette Preview Part 1

It feels like Christmas came early. The Bachelorette cast has finally been released.

Wiz: Let me start by saying John Wall’s blazer tonight is fantastic (style post coming?). 

Wiz: But seriously, let's start with the girls' pictures. Somehow it seems to me like they managed to make Kaitlyn’s head even bigger than Britt’s.

Milli: I see it, but I still don’t believe it. Britt’s head is just enormous.

Wiz: Truth - anyways, let’s breakdown the guys.

Ben H.

Wiz - Actually seems like a pretty good dude, loves nature, seems friendly, 6’4" doesn't hurt. I think he sticks around for the first half of season because he’s the quintessential “nice guy”.

Milli - Looks very marginally like Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights. Could be his younger brother. Key part of his analysis of Nelson Mandela’s impact on the world - “He is a legend.”

Wiz - Great call on the Coach Taylor comparison. Moving on...

Ben Z.

Milli - Ugh. I hate it when we have more than one guy with the same name. And then all season long, it's like explaining to your mom which friend you're going to the movies with. “I’m going to the movies with Ben.” "Ben H.?” “No, Ben Z.”

Wiz - Don’t worry. Ben Z is going home early. Greatest accomplishment, being certified to be a personal trainer". Enough said. Also - what’s up with the whole “Number of Tattoos” thing?

Milli - They always list the Number of Tattoos. It’s great because it has almost nothing to do with your personality. Having a tattoo at 26 isn't being a rebel or making a statement. Ben Z. chooses his mother as the one person he’d want to get dinner with. Either his sob story is that his mother passed away when he was young, or he’s a huge Mama’s boy. Hoping for the latter.

Wiz - Definitely the former, but we’ve spent way too many words on someone who is going home the first week...

Bradley

 

Wiz - I like this guy a lot. D1 tennis scholarship, “international auto shopper”; where do I sign up? Think the sarcasm thing will mesh perfectly with Kaitlyn.

Milli- He’s going to be that way-too-rude-guy; the guy who thinks he’s being funny, but really is acting like he’s 12. Calling it now.

Wiz - Ahhh, I guess I can see that. He did say he wants to “go home to Gisele.” Still holding out hope for him though.

Milli - The only thing worse than him potentially being that guy, would be that him being a huge Pats fan. Hard pass.

Brady

Milli - 33? Bullshit. More like 46.

Wiz - But he’s cool, man! Look at his low cut blouse and leather jacket. He probably just looks old because of years of rampant drug use #RockOn.

Milli - Yes. He would’ve been cool in the 80s. When he was a teenager.

Wiz - I have no feel for how long he lasts - feel like he might stick around just because he’s different and Kaitlyn might be into that.

Milli -  I actually see Britt as the one with daddy issues, so I could see him sticking for that reason.

Chris

Wiz - I just thought to myself “his teeth scare me”, then looked down and saw he was a dentist. Go figure.

Milli - He’s boring. He’d also want to be Superman as a superhero. His commentary on the club/bar debate is cringe-worthy.

Wiz - Also been on TV before - major red flag. 6 feet tall - probably more like 5’9". Gone on the first night.

Clint

Milli - I had high hopes for Clint. He's an architectural engineer and has decent movie tastes. He just screams overeager to me. He’s also the shortest guy so far at 5’11”. Looks like we’re using NBA standards for height here.

Wiz - Both girls are short though, and at least he admits that he’s shorter than 6 foot.

Corey

Wiz - His tattoos are small, but his man parts are big.  This guy absolutely hates his life, but loves the money and the women.

Milli - This investment banker’s view on marriage reads like a business transaction. Not surprising. Not sure what to make of him calling the Dalai Lama an “enlightened cat”. Hoping he’s using that sarcastically.

Wiz - Boring boring boring.

Cory

 

Wiz - What’s more confusing then Ben H and Ben Z? Corey and Cory. Come on ABC.

Milli - No words.

Wiz - Major age issues on this guy. He's “35”. Plus, he would “want to be his younger self”.

Milli - And his fear that his date thinks she’s cooler than him.

Daniel

Milli - My gaydar is tingling. And not just because he’s a fashion designer.

Wiz - Pretty much every line in his bio could be interpreted that way. What's the most romantic present you have ever received? - “Support and Love. Buying stuff is easy.” Biggest date fear - “My date being dishonest and manipulative, (just like me).”

Milli - He hit the nail on the head on wanting to be the Prince of Monaco. I don’t know if there is a more lavish position with less responsibility.

David

Wiz - What a bro's bro; gone on the first night.

Milli - Hey buddy, Brad Pitt’s game is largely being handsome and charming. He can’t teach you either. Agreed on his Bachelorette lifespan.

Ian

Milli - Brilliant move by Ian. He’s guaranteed himself at least a lunch date with Kimmel and one of the Bachelorettes.

Wiz - Concur, great move. Actually kind of dig his vibe, maybe he’ll make it to week 3 or 4.

Milli - Definitely. I’m an Ian fan. I bet you that Juliet Litman (@julietlitman) is as well. We love you Juliet.

Wiz - Unfortunately I don’t think your Juliet shoutout is going to net you a lunch date like it is for Ian.

Jared

Wiz - Meh, meh, meh. Nothing sticks out here, I guess its cool he volunteers, but don’t know if he’ll be able to stick around unless Kaitlyn digs the long hair.

Milli - Creeeeepppy. “Sharing my life with the person I love until I die.” Creepy. Also, what is going on with his chin?

Wiz - Didn’t even notice - but now I can’t stop staring….

JJ

 

Milli - “Former Investment Banker” meaning that he made bank and cashed out at 32? Or that he burned out and now is just a snowboarding instructor in Colorado?

Wiz - Another classic investor banking bio - “wasting my time and money … on someone who was using me” - #bittermuch

Milli - Who are you buddy? Floyd Merriweather? Stop bragging about the bets you’ve won.

Wiz - Something about his picture makes me think he’s going to be really shy/quiet. Pass.

Halfway Recap

Frontrunners -

Milli - Ian, Wiz- Ben H

Sleepers -

Milli - Ben Z, Wiz - Brady

Gone on the First Day -

Milli - Bradley, David, Jared

Wiz - Ben Z,, Chris, David

Random Superlative -

Milli - Least real occupation: Former investment banker (JJ)

Wiz - Most shameless self-plug: Certified personal trainer (Ben Z.)

So that’s it for the first half of our Bachelorette Preview. We’ll be posting part 2 of the preview soon.