The Calm:
Before the wheels came off, Ryan M. seemed like an all around nice guy. Sure he was drunk, and everyone knew. But they were clearly enjoying it (AKA feeding him more shots). This was about to change.
Shawn E. Arrives: Battle of the Hot Tub Car
The Bachelorette's resident amateur sex coach, Shawn E., made a splash (so clever) by arriving in a hot tub car. While I thought this was a great move, Ryan M. did not.
"That car sucks."
Ryan M. didn't just have mean words for Shawn E.'s car, he trashed on Shawn E. directly. Let me just say that "you suck" is the greatest of all drunk arguments. It's impossible to argue that you don't suck without sounding like you suck.
Hey Shawn E., just be grateful. Ryan M. did you a favor. The girls will definitely give you a rose this week because of how rude he was.
I'm all Horned Up
Everyone's all mad at me. Who? A couple hoes.
Tony the healer (aka dancing Tom Brady), doesn't appreciate that language Ryan. Tone it down Ryan (though I agree, Tony is a kind of a B-word).
I'm just gonna leave my hand here...
Hey, Ryan, I said tone it down! Kaitlyn really didn't appreciate you putting your hand on her...
Time to try a new method of seduction
No, no, no. Put your pants back on!
I'm so horned up right now!
Well, at least he's in the pool where no one can bother him anymore. Ryan just wants to party, and no one can stop him from doing so alone and drunk in the pool.
Okay, so Ryan M. may have gotten a little too drunk. He starts taking his shirt off (again). When asked why he was doing so, he fires back with "Why aren't I raping you right now?" Ryan M. has passed into Too Drunk territory where he's just being wildly inappropriate, but I also don't like JJ's air of arrogance either. Dude, you're all like 27. You never get drunk and get loose?
Was hoping he'd sock JJ in the face here
"Chris Hanson want to speak to me?"
Finally, after insulting the other men, denying he insulted the other men, attempting to kiss Britt, grabbing Kaitlyn's ass, getting naked and going for a swim, taking his shirt back off, and telling JJ to get raped, security FINALLY comes to remove Ryan M. from the show. Chris Harrison says he suspects Ryan M. isn't there for sincere reasons (the uppity older brother of right reasons) and sends Ryan M. on his merry way.
Ryan M: Redemption
Ryan M. was clearly the star and the villain of the episode. Sure, he came off as a bad guy, but all he wanted to do was enjoy himself. Unfortunately, in their effort to make him look bad, the producers ended up cutting his most redeeming moment from the show (this deleted scene).
This is the face you make when you realize everyone around you completely sucks. And that's not surprising (it's the Bachelorette). It's a bunch of 28-35 year old guys who are still single and have never partied in their lives trying to find love on a reality dating show. Just listen to his exchange and tell me who wins the conversation:
Justin - "I'm never really had time to party."
Ryan - "Let's rage, bro."
Justin - "Rage?" (confused)
Ryan - "Yes, let's rage bro."
Justin - "Rage? ...like, go hard? Like go hard in the paint?"
Ryan - "Sorry. Sorry I ruined your story by saying we should go hard..."
The winner is clearly Ryan M. So, I'd like to address Ryan M. one last time before we all forget him.
Dear Ryan M.,
Never stop partying. You're just 28 years young. Kansas City is calling. Go home to your junkyard and party anew.
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