Wiz - So, did you successfully make it through this season with no spoilers? I did not: saw both the snapchat (which I believe) and the rumor that she picks no winner (which I hope is not true)?
Milli - I’ve seen articles alluding to said snapchat. Wish I hadn’t. Pretty sure we both know who wins...
Milli - Seems like we're just jumping right in with Kaitlyn's family.
Wiz - They're still in Utah and heading to Malibu. Sigh, worst location season ever?
Milli - Seriously, I was hoping we'd at least head to Canada to meet Kaitlyn's folks.
Wiz - Kaitlyn's family is hating on Nick. "Oooh no (Canadian accent), not that Nick V?!" Yes, it is in fact that Nick V.
Milli - Speaking of that Canadian accent, Kaitlyn's sister drops both a Right Reasons and an aboot in the same sentence. Such Bachelorette! So Canada!
Wiz - Just incredible. I hope they keep piling on the hate. I hate Nick's deep V. Really, you're going to wear THAT to meet your future in-laws?
Milli - It's not a great choice.
Wiz - And that couch is 3 inches off the ground. They might as well sit on the floor.
Milli - You're being so harsh today, Wiz.
Wiz - Sorry, can't help myself, I've been drinking wine.
Milli - "It's almost PARADISE!" (more on this later)
Wiz - Sneakily the best part of tonight is the Paradise preview we'll get at the end of the show. Can't wait to break it down.
Milli - Back to Nick and Kaitlyn's family. Kaitlyn's mom is coming at Nick hard. Calling him possessive, jealous, arrogant.
Wiz - "I know what you see in Kaitlyn, but what does she see in you?" - straight fire from Kaitlyn's mom.
Milli - Damn. Things aren't looking good for Nick.
Milli - "She feels things with me that she's never felt before" - Nick, about his penis
Wiz - ...until she slept with Shawn. Shawn's junk has had the "last laugh", so to speak.
Wiz - Ugh. Kaitlyn's mom is backing down. Nick's charm worked.
Milli - She backed down so easily. Nick is such a good talker. I wish I talked as much and as well as him...
Wiz - ...you certainly talk as much as Nick. As for how well you talk...
Milli - And now her dad. Not putting up much of a fight either. We get a shot of Nick's family in the crowd back at the studio, looking somber. Who died? Twist?
Wiz - Come on now. Too soon. That contestant did actually die like two years ago.
Milli - It's Schnoz time! "Shawn...whoo, that's a man!" - Kaitlyn's mom
Wiz - Chances Kaitlyn's mom hopes she picks Nick so she can make a run at Shawn herself?
Milli - High. Shawn seems more...inebriated...than usual.
Wiz - Yeah, you can't be plastered like this. Though he's killing it so far. Way more confident that #SoberShawn.
Milli - What a cute story Shawn. I've never heard Snapchat used in such a romantic sounding way.
Wiz - Did he put a heart around her though? Or something more vulgar...
Milli - Wiz...come on man.
Wiz - Sister and mommy are clearly Team Shawn. He's "established himself". Is that a statement of wealth? How wealthy do we think Shawn is?
Milli - Not. He's a fitness instructor. And he's not even from the good part of Connecticut.
Wiz - So that went pretty well for both guys. Why do they keep showing Nick's family? Whatever, we're on to the final dates. Which are still in Malibu?! Ridiculous!
Milli - Is Bach in financial trouble or something? What happened to the travel budget?
Wiz - According the Right Reasons podcast (check it out on Grantland.com if you haven't already), they were planning on going to Patagonia. That is, until Kaitlyn had sex with Nick. So, I guess this is the producers' way of punishing her for breaking her contract.
Milli - Gosh, the producers of this show are so petty. I love it. Anyway, on to Nick's date. And he nearly falls into the water getting onto the boat. If only...
Wiz - This date is all kisses. No serious talk.
Milli - "I got you a gift. It's in my bedroom." Actually, I lied. It's in my pants. But when we got to my bedroom, it will technically be in my bedroom.
Wiz - Exactly my train of thought. Kaitlyn's into the "gift" though.
Milli - So many gifts on this show. Anyway, on to Shawn.
Wiz - This is a big date. I think Kaitlyn's secretly hoping it goes poorly so she doesn't have to make a hard decision.
Milli - And Shawn's getting drunk. And he needs answers, stat. Or he's not getting down on one knee. No winner this year?
Wiz - I dunno, this dinner is really awkward though.
Wiz - Never mind, he's pretty giggly right now. She must have told him her decision. Check out Shawn's memory jar. What about Ben H.'s memory jar?!
Milli - I really wish they'd stopped with the gifts. I'm getting some serious side-eye right now. Apparently I'm not nearly this doting of a boyfriend.
Wiz - Wait you mean you aren't super romantic??? I'm shocked...
Wiz - Wait, it can't be...NEIL LANE, DIAMOND TRAIN!
Milli - Nick with some awkward joke about how he was meant to meet Neil Lane last year. Awkward. Neil with the nervous laugh.
Wiz - Nick looks way more stressed than Shawn did. And he's not wearing shoes, FYI.
Milli - Uh oh. Nick going first.
Wiz - Check out his monk straps. You know my feelings on those.
Milli - Nick launches into his proposal. This might get ugly.
Wiz - Why is she letting him ride this out?
Milli - #dumped
Wiz - She let him get so far. That was cruel.
Milli - He's getting mean now. Making her feel as bad as he can. To be fair, it's warranted. He's going to slam her After the Rose tonight.
Wiz - She's crying a bit. Nick takes his ring in his hands and throws it towards the camera. "I'm the biggest joke in the world." - Nick
Milli - "I'm getting so much ass this coming year." - Nick (internally). Can we hope for Nick and Clare in Paradise?
Wiz - If only dreams came true. Truthfully, it'd be a waste of Clare's entertainment value.
Milli - It's Schnoz time!
Wiz - She looks sad. Double rejection?
Milli - Might be a good call on her part. What's the success rate on these engagements? Can somebody please look this up? This is why we need an intern.
Wiz - I can think of 3-4 couples who made it, off the top of my head. Shawn sounds so confident. She definitely told him it was him beforehand. Cue the uplifting music.
Wiz - "I have to be honest with you...and the truth is...that I never wanted you to question what we have ever again, because I am completely yours." #drama # troll
Milli - #anticlimatic. I wanted her to send them both packing. That ring though...
Milli - You think they're still together?
Wiz - Totally. Snapchat pic, duh...
Since this has already been so long, we'll just summarize After the Final Rose in the notes below.
After the Final Rose Spark Notes:
- Shawn choose his ring by the time tested strategy of Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe.
- Here's the snapchat Shawn sent his buddies when he heard Kaitlyn was The Bachelorette. Actually kind of sweet, though a bit stalky.
- Super smooth line from the Schnoz, "It's really amazing. You went from that girl who my sister saw and said I might like, to my fiance." Like a babbling 13 year old boy with a crush. Clean it up Schnozling!
- Nick seemed far too happy to have been dumped on national television for the second time. He was also rocking a beard, that Wiz thinks made him look like Zac Efron (Milli disagrees)
- Nick reveals that his previous relationship with Kaitlyn included "video chatting" from time to time. Were these sexy video chats?
- Shawn says, "I don't want to call you a fake person" to Nick, and then clearly calls him a fake person.
- Unsurprisingly, Nick and Shawn do not hug it out, despite Chris Harrison's persistence
- Shawn and Kaitlyn said I love you to each other while on the show
- Kaitlyn also dropped the L bomb on Nick on occasion. He was upset, because those words weren't meant for her since she wasn't the one.
- IT'S ALMOST PARADISE! (Seriously, an Ashely I. pregnancy scare? You spoil me ABC. Expect a write-up on this soon)
No comments:
Post a Comment