Walk of Shame Shuttle on VH1

And the Lord said unto Walk of Shame Shuttle, "Return for those who have been forsaken; those who have been promiscuous and those who have partaken too much, and give upon them conversation and transport back to their home." - Exodus 3.1

"Oh, and don't forget to save the bitches too. The bitches have GOT to be saved." Welcome to the Walk of Shame Shuttle, a new show on VH1 with a great premise - to save one-night stand survivors the indignity of that shameful walk home, and instead broadcasting said indignity over to us viewers. Let's sit back and enjoy our first passenger, who's all too happy to share her ill-fated night out with the world.

A long, long time ago, in a neighborhood across town, our hero came across a penis. But since then, sightings of penii have been few and far between. You could said, "it's been a while since she had a penis." Yes, that would be accurate. But, somewhere in her Quest for the Phallus, our hero was lead astray. And now, she's here, for my enjoyment (eww, not like that, you sick bastards).

Seriously though, she's full of great quotes. Like...

Um, lady, I don't think this guy knows a thing about a vagina. As you can see from the end of this clip, we're about to be educated on how vagina is going out of style (seriously, it's an awesome montage. Just watch the show). I'm just going to hit on some of the new trends these women have found in men:

- Sex machines
- Armpit sex
- Saliva swapping
- Cat action (even pussycats are more appealing than...good-old fashioned vagina)
- Locking their dicks up in cages

Well, that's a hell of an understatement, Jordan. Also, this lady needs to get her gaydar checked.

She leaves with something sweet about it being all about the connection between two people. I won't bore you with that. On to the next passenger!


The Sound of Music (sponsored by Tinder)

Will our princess be swept off her feet by her mysterious Tinder man?

Like that would ever happen. He ripped four shots while he was waiting in his car, and took her to his Friday night AA meeting. So much for happy endings.

So, she "took an Uber to meet up with my Von Trapp friends." I'm sure that has something to do with her dating life being a joke. Well, at least her night ended with friends...

Oh. Well, at least it ended with a bottle of wine, her cat Batman and Dateline. Can't win them all! On to the next passenger!


I'm a Life Coach

How big exactly?

Well, despite these three women being as big as "FedEx trucks," his night does not go as planned. "I wake up, and I'm in the bed with big Tracy and Twilight."

This dude just seems like he's hiding something. For some reason he keeps saying, "I am a life coach. I am a life coach. I...AM...A LIFE COACH."

And the big reveal. Obviously he loves fat girls. I'm glad this life coach was able to teach himself an important life lesson. Don't hide who you are. If you love the fatties, just admit it, even if your thugs laugh at you.


Best of the Rest:

I feel like this article is dragging on, so I'm just going to leave the best of the clips from the rest of the episode here.

Sounds like my kind of wingman!

There's about 30 more seconds of these guys talking like Valley Girls, but you get it.

Howard Johnson could totally run an ad campaign on this. It's not fair that Holiday Inn always gets the limelight.

Other great quotes from out last guest:

- "I work at U-Haul. When I feel like it."
- "Sunday fucking fun day. Hell yeah. Hard as a motherfucker"

So, that's Walk of Shame Shuttle. I know I'm checking back for episode 2.