Fantasy Bachelorette League

This year Milli, myself, and three of our friends (A, K, and E) have decided to do a fantasy Bachelorette league. We will use this league as a vehicle for our weekly recaps.  Scoring is entirely arbitrary and is as follows:

5 points for first impression rose
X points for a rose each week (1, 2, 3, 4, etc.)
2 additional points if the rose is the first or last of the week
10 points for first makeout session of season
3 points for each makeout session thereafter
50 points for ocean coitus
10 points for accusing someone else of not being there for the right reasons
5 points for crying on camera
5 additional points if it's in front of the bachelorette
10 points if you have to be "held back" from fighting another bachelor
20 points if you actually fight another bachelor
-5 points for writing a poem
15 points if the bachelorette writes you a poem back
15 points for going into the fantasy suite
10 additional points if adult activities in the fantasy suite are confirmed

We conducted a simple snake draft with the drafting order randomly determined.

1) E
2) Wiz
3) A
4) Milli
5) K

Here our the five teams and a few quick blurbs from each manager on their choices.

Team E:

Round 1, Pick 1: Bradley

"I think Bradley will be the leader of my team. I can see him starting drama, he's a D1 athlete and one of the more attractive bachelors in the competition. I say he makes it to hometown dates, at the least."

Round 2, Pick 10: Justin

"I think he will stick around for a while. Nice body and seems like he has a lot of money. Gonna be a solid asset for my team."

Round 3, Pick 11: Kupah

"I'm a bit worried about him, but it's slim pickings at this point."

Round 4, Pick 20: Corey
Round 5, Pick 21: Jared

"Hoping these two can contribute somehow. Maybe one has a real sob story?"

Team Wiz:

My strategy was to draft almost exclusively on height and looks. While they may not be the most entertaining group, they should be able to rack up the roses early in the season, and hopefully one will make it deep. I feel like Tanner slipping to 9 was a total steal, straight gorgy.

Round 1, Pick 2: Ben H.

"Do I think he will win? No. Do I think he will go really far and rack up a lot of points for me? Yes."

Round 2, Pick 9: Tanner

"I'm going with a super boring yet dependable lineup. Good looking, tall dude, seems normal enough. May not rack up exciting points but should get lots of roses."

Round 3, Pick 12: Brady

"Bit of a gamble, but he's different and I think that may pay off."

Round 4, Pick 19: Tony

"I'll take a flyer on Tony - maybe he's gotten a haircut since the stock photos were taken #healer4life"

Round 5, Pick 22: Jonathan

"Good looking guy, happy with the value I'm getting here."

Team A:

Round 1, Pick 3: Cory

"I like his odds to be around a while, thus racking up points. Not sure if he is going to be a shit starter though."

Round 2, Pick 8: Ryan M.

"Firework of my team. Feel pretty good about him starting some drama, hoping for some tears. Unrelated, but I really hope we get some specifics about his occupation (Junkyard Specialist)."

Round 3, Pick 13: Clint

"Hoping his biggest date fear applies to himself, and he'll rack up some points. Also willing to put money on the fact that he has a sob story."

Round 4, Pick 18: Joe

"Joe seems like a sensitive guy; here's to hoping that's just a bad pic."

Round 5, Pick 23: David

"Right Reasons narc (he seems like someone who would leak that a frontrunner is not there for the right reasons). Just hope he doesn't drop a poem before he gets the boot at the first rose ceremony (most concerned about his limo exit)."

Team Milli:

Round 1, Pick 4: Ian

"I can't believe he's still on the board at #4. I'm going to win it all. My judgment is just better than all of yours."

Round 2, Pick 7: Shawn B.

"He seems dumb, but pretty (poor man's Ryan Gosling). That's generally a winning formula on the Bachelorette. Also, I have to rep Connecticut, since I'm surrounded by Southerners."

Round 3, Pick 14: Ben Z.

"He's attractive enough he'll last for a while, but he sounds boring. He'll be a Right Reasons point machine, if my instincts are right."

Round 4, Pick 17: Ryan B.

"I'm stacking the deck with the Right Reasons posse."

Round 5, Pick 24: Josh

"He's a stripper, so maybe he knows how to have a good time?"

Team K:

Round 1, Pick 5: JJ

"I was all about Normcore Nick. I get that vibe from this guy #sonormal"

Round 2, Pick 6: Joshua

"He's got the face of an angel or a sociopath. Can't tell, but it doesn't matter since both will get me points."

Round 3, Pick 15: Chris

"His posture and shirt are fascinating to me, and something about his face looks like he needs to be punched. Probably going to be a problem early on."

Round 4, Pick 16: Daniel

"He looks like Shia Labeouf. Kind of. That's my only reason."

Round 5, Pick 25: Shawn E.

"He wears a man necklace, which, next to short-sleeve button-downs, I find most offensive. I need to know what the producers have in store for him. I also want to know how an amateur sex coach differs from a professional one."

Preseason Power Rankings:


Milli's Take (keep in mind that Milli and Wiz have done the most research on the topic of the male competitors of the Bachelorette):

1. Team Milli - A bunch of guys that will be around for at least a couple weeks. Just enough time for the Right Reasons witch hunt to form, hopefully with Ben Z. and Ryan B. as the ringleaders.
2. Team Wiz - Also went with boring and handsome. Just a less talented carbon copy of Team Milli. Jonathan in the 5th round is the steal of the draft.
3. Team K - I like JJ and Joshua as picks, think Daniel will be fabulous and think Shawn E. is a wildcard.
4. Team E - Like her first two picks, but think her late round drafting could have been stronger. Why take Corey and Jared when there were any other options?
5. Team A - I can't get over Cory with the 3rd overall pick. That's quite a reach. I see 3-4 of these guys gone the first week.

Wiz's Take:

1: Team Wiz - Clearly got the most talent - Brady in the third round was a reach, but I couldn't risk Milli vulturing him. Taller and handsomer than any other team - potential for all five to slip into Week 2 or even Week 3.
2: Team K - I think Daniel in Round 4 is the steal of the draft. Could stick around as a non-threatening best friend with lots of tears. Not sure if the top of her draft can keep up with the big boys though.
3: Team Milli - Getting Ian at 4 was awesome; he was number 2 on my big board. Not sure if the last three picks will amount to anything though. I see at least 2 of them going home week 1.
4: Team E - Love the gutsiness to go with Bradley at number 1 overall. This could be an Anthony Bennett-esque pick though. Someone from left field that completely flames out.
5: Team A - Also struggling to see Cory being a major point scorer with very little depth behind him. Needs someone to pull off the legendary #oceancoitus to have a shot at winning.